Posts Tagged ‘Adult children’
Letters from my followers continue to flow.
Here’s another one.
Dear SWTA Staff,
Please don’t be shocked because of my question. It may sound as if there is not a maternal bone flowing through my body. My children regard me as a great parent; a considerate and loving Mother.
I just wanted to express a concern; to get this monkey off my back. I trust that you don’t think ill of me once I share my issue. I am a widower and I have four adult children ranging in age from 24 to 34. We share a great respectful relationship. One of my daughters decided that she wanted to move back home two years ago. She wanted to save to purchase a home. Great move! I agreed; no problem. The two years are up; her bank account is pitifully low; and I want my house back! It not a question about space because our home is large; it’s a matter of privacy. I am 58 and have met an interesting and potential suitor. I want to enjoy life! My daughter is now cramping my lifestyle. In fact, I don’t believe that she has any intentions of moving. Why? Free rent, cooked meals, and laundry/maid services are great incentives to stay. Don’t you agree? Since she is my daughter that I love dearly, certainly she has not overstayed her welcome. That’s impossible, our family home will always be “home sweet home,” but I do want my television remote control back! What shall I do? Before you answer, I know that I made my own bed with this one. Am I being unreasonably selfish to ask her to pack her bags since she is extravagantly living, not saving as intended, and blocking my date nights? Or am I doing the best thing for her to achieve independence in that she may thank me later for my tough love today?
Sue in Texas
Hi Sue in Texas,
That’s a hard question for me because I am so closely attached to my children. I am however glad that they moved out (Yippee!) many, many moons ago, because they thought at one point that they could boss me around. Go figure! As parents, we provide foundations for our children to enter the world and become productive self sufficient adults. Our homes should be family homes for them to return to live as needed. It’s a safe haven. From your explanation, your daughter has forfeited the arrangement for which she moved back home to achieve. Why don’t you sit down and have a sensible chat with her? Help her to reinstitute her saving initiative (with her funds, of course); establish a living arrangement plan with a proposed exit date; and confirm your commitment to help her including a move out plan and new home search. In other words, the Eagle never learns to fly until he/she leaves the nest. Those are my thoughts. To add a professional spin, I did reach out to a couple of experts and here is what they said you should consider.
1. Rules – Establish rules for your adult children so that everyone can be respected. Enforce them for compliance. Make sure that expectations are clear.
2. Contributions – Contributions should be made by your adult child toward the household expenses. You can call it rent or a fee.
3. Definitions – You are family, not roommates.
4. Roles – Be a consultant not a manager.
5. Attitude – Don’t blame or shame.
6. Action – Let go.
Finally Sue, stay in touch. Let me know if this advice helps. And of course, keep us informed about your new beau. If it works for holy matrimony, are you moving in on his turf or are the two of you buying a new castle?
Disclaimer: Please note this column is for entertainment purposes and should not be used for professional advice. Consult a professional therapist if needed.
Photo credit: www.scarymommy.com; Source: www.empoweringparents.com; www. scary mommy.com
I learn just as much from my children as they do from me! Routinely, we bounce ideas off each other. We help each other think, come up with ideas, and solve problems. Sounding boards and motivators, we have become! We work as an innovative team; an unbeatable one at that. Our concepts and thoughts – be they spiritual, personal, professional, entrepreneurial and the like – wisely flow in both directions.
Often, I am not sure – who is teaching whom. It doesn’t really matter because we all benefit in the process and in the end. We thoughtfully respect each other’s opinions. I am so thankful for them, their knowledge, their interventions, and their wisdom. Perhaps, my foundation was better than I thought. What sagacious children I have! Our modus operandi is one of “give and take” as we lovingly and sincerely want the other to succeed. Our relationship is uniquely special and its radiance brightly shines for us and the world to see. There is strength in numbers. “Together we stand; divided we fall.”
Photo reprint: www.owensbororadio.com
As a young girl, I once heard an old lady say, “Once you decide to have children, remember they never go away.” “Surely they do,” I whispered to my girlfriend. She and I were counting our days for we couldn’t wait to get out of the Mississippi delta. That old lady certainly did not know what she was talking about was our thought! Years later, the veracity of her statement was not only proven, but has become a dominant presence in my life.
What the wise lady was referring to was not a physical departure. Her words validate the axiom, “When they (children) are little, they sit on your lap; when they are older, they rest on your heart.”
Yes, our children are physically, spiritually, and emotionally present with us forever. They never leave!
When my children were small, I carried them around, nursed them, and was responsible for taking care of them and essentially providing for their well-being. As they grew older, my role changed, but their presence in my life and mine in theirs, remained the same. We are – I am pleased to report “ever so present in the spirit of each other.”
I love my son, daughter, and grandson so incredibly deep that there are no words that can truly verbalize the depth of my emotions. I am a lucky woman to have them in my life; truly fortunate.
I cherish our respective relationships. I enjoy the role of advisor. Equally as important as my advice and guidance rendered to them, I too have grown immensely from their advice. It is a two way street.
Candidly, I must admit that back in the day, I struggled with them not cleaning their room, leaving dishes in the sink, not making their bed, not washing clothes, and the other nuisances that laziness produces. Really, in all actuality, my children had taken over the house and gave me a room! I even had to order a private telephone line for me, because I could never get on my phone. They secretly made purchases that I was unaware of, stayed out beyond their curfew, skipped classes, and did many mischievous deeds. Admittedly, truth be told, I did what they did at their age, but with more finesse.
All kidding aside, overall they are good, well mannered, respectful children….at least in my presence. I was also taught, “When you have children, you live in a glass house, so I throw no stones!” Yes, behind the scenes, there were days that I could have pulled my hair out as I dealt with their issues. They kept me on “bended knee.”
In all honesty, after experiencing the empty nest syndrome, I missed the chatter of feet running through my house. I missed their physical presence. Thank goodness for Face Time and other technological advances that facilitates nearness. The children and I epitomize phenomenon closeness. I cannot wait to be graced with their presence; to see them, hug them, and kiss them.
They honor me as their Mother with superlative love and incredible respect. Praise God! The respect and love are mutual.
I am blessed to have them. Thank you Heavenly Father for placing them in my life! I just can’t get enough of them….but I am glad that they are out of my house. It’s much peaceful and cleaner now and everything is where I left it!
Photo Reprint: JohnandChrisadopt.com